that night tsholo tried to cheer me up. i saw his eyes checking on me across the fire everytime he turned. southern comfort with lime. ice cubes melting in my mouth, the clickin of burning dry wood and the smell of marshmellows are forming a sensable picture imprinted on my soul..

dwain just stood there, smoking while telling a story making us laugh. him..he laughed as well, turned the meat on the braai, my eyes met his. later when he locked the bar door it was just me and him. kate ran to the late night taxi turning around, 'good bye guys'.. she slammed the door of the zola budd the van drove off, silence. tsholo and me standing next to the fire silently glowing but not strong enough to keep us warm in a cold clear-skyed night in polokwane 100 miles north east. he sat down behind me, stretching his hands over the fire, smiling. 'so what do we do now?' 'tell me bout your life' i reply. hesitatingly lighting a cigarette, he takes his time to respond. 'when i was six my parents died and me and my brother we were forced to sleep in the streets' there he sits, a strong young african man, a man with a smile on his face 12 hours a day entertaining afrikaans people, serving them cider and burgers.

'my family.. they refused to help me and my little brother' he stops. his shoulders are sinkin down, he shivers. my hand touches his knee, i sit down next to him just to be a bit closer, to give him a bit of my strength to carry on. 'my biggest fear is to never make it, hanna .. i've been working hard always on my own..looking at happy families.. it kills me, makes me sad. there was always just me and my brother. i'm trying to get him through school, work for us both..but sometimes its hard. you always have to be the nice smiling waiter, serving racists and rude people.. i don't even have a social life. hanna i work 6 days a week and my brother stays too far to visit him i haven't seen him since we've been out on the streets. i'm responsible for him, i'm the only family he has.' he stops to inhale smoke mixed with the chilled african air. his voice became softer his face changed while telling me this. tsholo captured me from first sight, i wanted to touch him, be by his side for he has a strong warriors radiation and that large smile conquerin even the last corner of his face, his eyes smiling. but now he looks like a little boy, resignation in his face, his eyes are without any movement or emotion. 'i don't even remember when last i woke up next to a women. they keep on breaking my heart.. i went out with a white girl in durban got beaten up so many times for her and once i woke up in a hospital, she was gone.. it was just me and my brother again, hanna i'm tired' i lean towards him, let my hand slip into his. all of a sudden he comes closer his strong arms push me against his chest. the best place to be that moment, that night.. maybe even in life. he smells like the bitter smoke, wool and a strong african odour every black man carries on his skin. drowning in this moment i hide my face, my cheeks touching his neck.. his skin feels so soft that i stop thinking and just let my lips slide down his neck. ngiya ku thanda.. he says i will find you in life. him biting my lip i feel chills down my spine, my body is glowing and pulsing for this man. finally i pull away moved by too strong emotions and feelings i have never had before.

 he smiles his smile, looks straight into my eyes and says with a strong voice 'the woman i'll marry some day will be treated so damn right and good, she will have a good life by my side' and if he'd ask me know to escape with him, marry him and just run i would not even hesitate for a single second. instead i start telling him about my last time in africa, my life and my biggest fear.. not to be happy no matter how hard i try. two hours passed and from crying and deep sadness we turned to dancin. i find myself sitting next to the covered hot water pool, considering to swim with him. this night, there is so much respect and admiration for tsholo, that i pray for him and thank god for blessing my life with meeting such a inspiring strong person. though i know when i leave tomorrow i won't see him in a long time, i am sure deep inside that i'll see him again in life. we share our last cigarette and both walk into the night. my body craving for his body heat, for his touch and his rough black hands on my white skin turns away cause i know if we'd share this night, i won't be able to leave him tomorrow, or i would feel the pain of losing someone you don't want to even leave for one second. and i know that this journey goes on, that the days to come are a chance of finding myself a space in africa, finding myself a way through life.. and just enjoying to see all those wonderfull sowetan people. my african family.

4.11.07 21:28

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